Category Archives: Humor

Three A.M. Thursdays #3

In which Elwood shares his late-night musings:

When someone told Lot a crazy story, did he take it with a grain of wife?

Does Nexium cause people to move in and out of the Matrix at random intervals?

Do elephants ever suffer from trunk envy?

Do tigers ever wonder how their eyes could possibly relate to boxing a wrestler?

Why do ghosts haunt old houses? Why not find one with a pool and a big TV?

Miss Muffet’s Revenge:

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet

Drinking her lemonade

Then when the spider

Set down beside her

It got hit with a full can of Raid

And now that it’s dead

Let it never be said

That Miss Muffet was ever afraid

Ever feel like parts of Genesis Chapter 1 have been redacted? (Missing text in italics):

8And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

Then God created the thousand-cubit Sky Jellyfish, but it just didn’t look right,

    And kind of gave him the willies, so

9God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

And God called the dry land Saskatchewan, and the waters Lake Xochimilco

But they were really hard to spell, so

 10God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters he called the Seas: and then it was good.

Three A.M. Thursday, entry #1

Wherein Elwood shares his late night streams of consciousness with the world.

Would Miss Manners keep her name if she got married?

Which is more fun to say—pickle, or cucumber?

Why do power supplies have to be plugged in?

Product Idea: Calffeine—The Energy Veal!

Can food be refrigerated if it was never cold in the first place?

Shouldn’t Victoria’s secret have gotten out by now?

Do elementary particles grow up and become Universe-ities?

Did John Lee Hooker ever get the reds?

If six was nine, I’d have to take math again.

If I close my eyes forever, will it all remain unchanged?

Probably not. Ozzy should know better.

Have I driven a Ford? Lately?

Let me think, that rental car in AZ. . .no, it was a Chevy. Guess not. . .

Do good balls of fire get jealous toward great ones?

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

I’m pretty sure there is a loneliness factory next to the controversy manufacturing plant.

Is that in New York?

Yep, 1211 Avenue of the Americas.

Which would I rather be—a tree, a rock, or a lake?

Does streak-free window cleaner still work if you are naked?

Are my filing cabinets self-aware? Do they like me?

I wonder what bumblebees taste like . . .

Bitter beer batter. Say It five times fast.

I like turtles. .

And sleep.

Boobs.

Zzzzzz. . . .


 

Ten Things I’m Unlikely to Say

  1. “You know, the birthers do have a point. . .”
  2. “This Macbook is definitely worth the extra dough.”
  3. “Hey kids, let’s take a trip to the Creation Museum!”
  4. “No need to see a mechanic, I can fix it!”
  5. “I think I’ll try the Atkins diet.”
  6. “Sorry, can’t make the WVU game. I’m going to see Carmen instead.”
  7. “More coleslaw, please!”
  8. “Man, learning to play the guitar is easy!”
  9. “I’ve had this same lawn mower for ten years and it still works great!”
  10. “Honey, put your top back on, I’m trying to watch Glenn Beck!”